Tag Archives: life

Off with her head.

3 Oct

WordPress. I haven’t forgotten about you, I just have better things to do.

Okay, not really. I’m just so tired all the time!! ugh. Teaching is fuckin hard and someone should have warned me about it. Trying to teach 34 2nd grade kids who’re 3 years behind grade level and can barely speak english is a nightmare, but given a chance I won’t change it at all.

Other than that, it’s all kind of been really lame. Besides that fact that I’m drinking fairly regularly. Funnily enough this time last time, I’d had only 2 drinks in my entire life and just Tuesday I was out till 3 am. Nana’s in the hospital, they say he might have lung cancer. Hes 90 years old. Pixie might have an infection. Life just goes on getting suckier by the day.

Anyway, take a song and i’ll try to be back soon.

GHOST TOWN РOff with her head. 

Yeah, this downward spiral’s going viral,
In the coliseum people screamin’, “Off with her head!”
I’ve never been so loyal, nor have I bowed so deeply.
Locked in the pillory, I’m paralyzed.
Is this a reflection of humanity?
No this mustn’t be the end. No this mustn’t be the end!

We’ve already won

11 Jun

WordPress! *hugs* I’ve missed you.

 

Maybe.

 

Blegh. I just don’t have anything to really write about. No wait. Actually I do. But I’m going to start an entirely new blog for that because it’s going to be taking up the next 2 years of my life and there’s also the whole issue of that being completely associated with me and you still having no idea. Bwahahahaha. Anyway. I don’t really think anything much has been up with me in the time that I’ve been absent, other than the thing that needs its own blog.

 

Yep. I guess that’s it. I’m only posting ’cause I don’t want you to think that I’ve abandoned you. I haven’t. Totally.

 

ANYWAY! Take a song.

Young Volcanoes – Fall Out Boy

Tonight the foxes hunt the hounds
It’s all over now before it has begun
We’ve already won

Or was that just a telescopic camera nod?

6 Dec

|Random post titles are random. Pay no attention.|

WordPress, I go for a few days and you change! Talk about love. ūüėÄ (Scoff all you want, but you need to be nice to technology, when they take over the world, you’ll be sorry you never said “Hi!” to you coffee machine)

Being in a perpetual state of confusion is tiring, but if there’s one thing I’ve learnt over the years ’bout myself, it really doesn’t help to push. I never do anything if people keep nagging me. Once they, and I, leave myself alone, I almost always get the work done/decisions made, even if I cut it real close. There’s just this moment, and I might be just lazying around and doing nothing till then, but when that moment strikes, I’ll get the work done. Almost always.

Like today, they’ve been after me to book the GMAT for months. I’ve been after me to book the GMAT for months, and even though loads of times I’ve opened the site and selected the date I never clicked, “Pay.”. Just didn’t feel like it. I finally did it today. We were watching TV, I got my dads credit card and just booked the test. (21st Dec. The panic’s gonna hit tomorrow. I’m in denial now). But I feel kinda good. As I always do after a decision is made. This is still not really what I wanna do, but for now, while I can’t think of anything else, atleast I know that I’ll be doing something. And that feels good.

And trust Fall Out Boy to write a song with Water Buffaloes in the title. With no mention of said animal? Mammal!! in the song at all.

 

He’s so sad!! Someone needs to write a song for him. (Dude. I’ve already written the worlds lamest story. I’m not even going near water buffaloes.)

He was a sad little fellow, 
that water buffalo . . . . . . .  .

My blog posts are totally like Fall Out Boy songs.

Random titles with even more random words. ūüėÄ

One day, fo sho, I’m gonna talk about meaningful stuff. One day.

Fall Out Boy РDisloyal Order of Water Buffaloes                  

Detox just to retox
And I’d promise you anything for another shot at life
And perfect boys with their perfect lives
Nobody wants to hear you sing about tragedy

And guarantee a source divine.

27 Nov

There’s a lot I want to talk about. Loads and loads of things, I’d thought ’em all out, I wanted to talk about my top 3 lyricists, the mystery of the missing hair bands that led me to make a new one out of golden ribbon, which I wear all the time now, the fact that FatDog turned four a few days back. I want to talk about all of that. But, currently I’m a little busy¬†marveling¬†at my lack of reaction.

My complete lack of any kind of reaction to the fact that one of my friends was in the hospital. To the fact that he has something which is¬†incurable¬† To the fact that I’m one of the only few people who know, mostly ’cause he needed my “logical” opinion on something. The fact that i’m not having any reaction of any kind. Wow. This is something that’s bothered me ever since my grandpa asked me if I even miss MM. After I got over the anger, i thought about it. I don’t cry. When everyone sits together, and conversation (as always) turns to her, and everyone cries, I don’t. I’m the one who’s staring at the floor, feeling awkward. I don’t sit and miss her and cry. In fact I try not to think about her. This would make sense if I was an inherently emotionless person, but I’m not. I’m one of the most emotional people I know. Till last year I used to cry a lot. ALOT! So this is kind of¬†disturbing, now that I’ve noticed it.

It’s like I’m immune to all kinds of pain now. Like sad pains. I distinctly remember shedding a tear last month when mom got all in my face, so I still get angry/frustrated.

Huh.

This is certainly interesting.

Placebo – Blind

(I’m on such a Placebo rush these days! When I’m not listening to Flo Rida. ūüėź )
(^ I’ll elaborate on that later)
I know I broke it.

 

There has to be an off button for this thing somewhere, right? RIGHT?

7 Nov

I’m crazy and I’m hurt¬†
Head on my shoulders 
It’s going…berserk

Nervous Breakdown – Black Flag (it just fit the thing going on here!)

                                                                                  
Overthinking.

I have a serious problem with overthinking. It sucks. I think too much. About random stuff, about small stuff, stuff that I shouldn’t even have to worry about. Maybe worry is the wrong word, ’cause I’m not stressing or anything. I just think. About stuff. I think I’ve already said this.

Yeah, I’ll try explain with an example, like we do in maths. (Da fuq! I’m using maths references! What is this madness? Make it stop!) I don’t like to text people much. Mostly due to the lack of emotions in texting, what i meant to be sarcastic might come across as rude to someone else, or I might misinterpret what someone said. It’s just annoying, and thanks to my current operator, texting and calling, almost cost me the same. But some people insist on texting (wordpress, why are you making that red squiggly line under this? Texting is so totally a word.), so when i have to do that, i take ages thinking about how i should phrase what i want to say, so that it does not come across in the wrong way to the person I’m sending it to. So, I’m not really worrying, I’m just thinking a lot.

Maybe it’s the same. I am really sleep deprived right now. ūüėź

So, yep, i think I alot. That’s what ’causes the insomnia too. I think. And not even about stuff that’s deep or ya know, ’bout MM, (It’s gonna be a year in January. A year.). I think about lame stuff, like what would shaggy talk about if he could talk, or if like those movies, Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus, they made one called Giant Panda vs. Kick ass Penguin, who would win ? (Penguin ofc! Really, if you even read this blog at all, and then say panda, I am¬†disappointed¬† How could you do this to me? It’s always Penguin. Always.¬†). That kind of stuff.

Basically, all I want to be able to do is to shut the thinking off, maybe a flip switch for the brain. I don’t think there’s one. There should be, ’cause I really really need to sleep.And stop thinking about stuff so much. It’s annoying. Yeah, i annoy myself sometimes.

I don’t think you believe me on the¬†Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus think. Here, take the movie poster.

Now do you believe me that such, for lack of a better word, kick ass, movies are real and exist in our world.

Winner eats all. 

They said it, not me.

And for the record, I asked quite a few people about the Panda vs. Penguin epic battle, everyone said Penguin. I ‚̧ my peeps.

I’m saying peeps, and using Italics more than¬†necessary, I should sleep. Except I can’t. Insomnia is a bitch.

I leave you with :

Gotta Be Somebody’s Blue – Jimmy Eat World.¬†

When you’re feeling moot
You can have your conscience all you want
You can’t say I do nothing yeah
I put it off

Emotions are overrated.

18 Aug

I just read this again –¬†https://perceivedorder.wordpress.com/2012/01/20/the-balance-theory/¬†( I’ve added a note at the bottom, check it )

I wrote this on January 20th. I’m reading it again now for the first time. I’m a petty person. That’s for sure. And while i wanted to add this whole not about how I’m not always like this, and I do have sense of decency, I can’t anymore. Because I just¬†realized, that while i was writing this, mum was out with MM and my other aunt. They’d gone out somewhere, and i was home writing this.

MM was alive.

She wouldn’t be 8 days later.

I don’t know how to react to this. I can’t change anything now, I know that. But isn’t it supposed to get better? I want it to get better. I want to forget about her, because living each day, feeling like this, I can’t do it. I really can’t. She was there when i wrote that post. She was there when i wrote all the posts before that. This was probably the second last time I saw her alive. And at that moment, instead of enjoying the fact that I’m with her, I was doing this. I was so pissed when they came back home, I didn’t talk much. Now, i wish i had. A life filled with regret is not something I want.

 

In 10 days, it will be 7 months.

 

7 months, 7 years, 7 days.

 

They’re all going to feel the same.

Surreal, doesn’t get close to describing this.

31 Jul

Why do i doubt the powers of the word ‘surreal’ here? I’ll tell you why. This time last night, i was in the ER, almost¬†completely¬†incoherent, because of the drugs they were pumping into my system. That’s why.

I know i don’t really have the worlds best immune system, but in the 21 years of ¬†life¬†I’ve¬†lived till now, the only time i’ve been to a hospital is to visit someone. I think the last time i went to one, was when my mum had her operation. Last year. ¬† And i know, that’s just how life works, stuff happens that you never think could happen, blah , blah. Still, you can now understand why i think Surreal is inadequate to define what i feel right now.

And it wasn’t even anything serious!

I decide for the first time in 2 months to try to sleep early, by 12. ( I don’t really think¬†I’ve¬†talked about my insomnia much over here, i’ll take care of that in a few days). And within 5 minutes, my face is on fire. and then my head. And i was actually sleepy enough to try to ignore it. But when i finally did make myself get up and go look in the mirror, i looked just like, ummmm, if you read Harry Potter, then in the Deathly Hallows, when the snatchers catch them, and Hermione does a¬†dis figuration¬†curse on Harry, the description of his face? That’s exactly how i looked. AND , if you haven’t read Harry Potter, then well my face was swollen to double its size and my whole body was red and burning. That’s how it was. I’m not allergic to anything! I’ve never been! I kind of liked that about myself, i can eat anything, wear any sort of fibre, run around in pollen filled fields if i want to, ’cause it doesn’t bother me. And there i was, looking the living¬†epitome¬†of allergic reactions gone wrong.

So naturally, i wake up my parents, and my dad freaks out, and he’s just like ‘What’s happening to you?’, “Why are you blowing up?”,”Why can’t you move?”, and i’m just grunting and pointing and trying to get them to realise that my whole body is burning. My mum first suggested we go to the hospital, but i wanted to keep my ‘Hospital Free’ life continued, but then it just got worse, and i started feeling dizzy. That’s when i finally said, that we need to leave, like NOW! And my dad’s running around all¬†panicked¬†wondering if he needs to change out of his PJ’s, and my mum’s trying to gather all the money she can, ’cause i have paranoid parents, who don’t like to keep too much money in the house, so that in the event of a robbery, the robber finds nothing and he just takes our dogs instead. ūüėź

So, finally we leave, and first go to the nearest hospital, the one closest, a govt. run one, and while my mum parks the car, dad and i go in, me still looking like a some creature from the unknown, and just take one look inside and come back out. It’s in a bad state. A really really bad state. My dad’s nearly about to hyperventilate, ’cause such hospitals remind him of the one where his dad was admitted, and then¬†eventually¬†passed away in, all¬†because¬†of the¬†negligence¬†of the doctors and¬†nonavailability¬†of medicines, only because they didn’t have money to take him to a private hospital. My dad was just 16. So before she could even park the car, we go back, both of shaking our heads, and my mum just sighed, and we finally go to the private one, where we should have gone in the first place! ¬†If they’d only listen to me, actually it was my fault, i refused to go to the private one, ’cause they’re expensive and it was just an allergic reaction, and they’re not supposed to be life threatening right? I wish.

When we reached there, even though the doctor looked bored, ’cause there were people there who’d been in accidents and had serious emergencies, and i was just red and swollen, but he did tell my later, that had we been 10-15 minutes late, i could have had a cardiac arrest. Which is scary. Really really scary. Hence, surreal doesn’t cover it.¬† Also the day before this happened, was MM’s 6 month death day. ( i won’t say anniversary, ’cause that just sounds festive, and this as far from festive as can be)

So they get me to a bed, and the nurse dude comes, and he tells me they’ll be putting in an IV, which i’d heard, kind of hurts, and I don’t like needles, so i kept saying i’m fine, and i don’t need anything, but he just grabbed my hand, and got me talking about what all i’d eaten during the day, trying to distract me. Except,¬†distractions¬†last a few seconds, not minutes, which is the amount of time it took him to find my vein, ’cause even with no swelling and rashes and redness, it’s hard to locate a vein in my hand, and now it was close to impossible. But, finally he got it one try, and it didn’t really hurt that much, so that was good. They give me steroids, and 2 and 3 anti-allergants, anti-biotics¬†and stuff. I was supposed to stay there for just half and hour, but it took 50 minutes for my skin to get a semblance of normalcy. During which time my mum called M (MM2=M, from now on), and she didn’t pick up at first, but then she saw the missed call, and freaked out ’cause she knew it was 2.30 am our time, and she thought something happened to their dad, and then she and mum talk, and they’re laughing at me, ’cause apparently according to mum i looked better enough now to be laughed at. And my dad’s just staring at me. And i just wanna hug him, but i can’t move ’cause i’m woozy, so i just nudged him with my foot, and i think he got the message, ’cause he smiled at me. And then i fell asleep.

So i wake up, we get the bills sorted, which aren’t actually much, so that’s relieving, and we come back home by 4 am! and mum and dad have to go to work next day, and I’m feeling so bad, even though i don’t think i had any control over what caused the reaction. In fact, we still don’t, and that’s scary! “cause what if it happens again, and mum and dad are going out of town for 5 days this weekend. :/ That’s scary. But, i’m all better now, and my Grandma keeps calling up to ask how I am, she thinks had she been there, this wouldn’t have happened, but ¬†highly doubt it. Mum says it was an insect bite. Which is scarier, ’cause dude! what insect can ’cause a person to get an allergic reaction so bad, that they can have a cardiac arrest! Phew! My skins still a little redder than normal, and it does itch at times, but the doctor said that would happen. I just never want that to¬†happen¬†again. Ever.

 

And i’m exhausted now, but i needed to get down what happened in all its entirety somewhere. And this is my blog after all. I can talk about whatever i want.

So, this post does not need a song. But a little song fact needs to mentioned. I woke up that morning, with these lines from Early Sunsets Over Monroeville by My Chemical Romance, stuck in my head.

And there’s no room in this hell,¬†
There’s no room in the next,
But does anyone notice there’s a corpse in this bed?
, Weird huh? I think i was singing that while the nurse dude was injecting stuff into the IV, cause he just kept staring at me.